In case you are too busy to read the entire article, click here to go to the crux followed by the conclusion.
I am not who you think I am; I am not who I think I am; I am who I think you think I am.
Charles Cooley, American Sociologist.
In other words, we place tremendous value on how we think others think of us and often perceive ourselves in that light. Is this necessarily a good thing, or is there another approach? Can you be liked by everyone?
Let me take a short detour and share a fantastic comic strip to help answer these questions. Most of you might have come across this story already, but I suggest you don’t skip over it. It is worth reading again, and it puts into perspective what this article will be about.
Suppose someone you love doesn’t love you back the same way. You might perceive that as a sign that you are not worthy enough in some way. Or your bosses don’t appreciate or validate you the way you want them to. Maybe your parents don’t appreciate your new job and think you cannot “make it” in a career you want to pursue. Perhaps someone you look up to thinks you are dumb and incapable of notable achievement. This list can go on. In all these cases, people either end up hating themselves or hating others, or both. They lose their self-esteem and confidence and enter a loop of thinking where they tell themselves they are not good enough in some way.
Why did this even happen
Evolution has wired us to pay close attention to how others think about us (like in the comic). While doing so, we often end up being harsh critics of ourselves (and sometimes others) and take every opinion personally and seriously. In this process, we lose our own identities.
(Of course, this made some evolutionary sense because in the early days of humanity, being accepted/validated by one’s peers and society was crucial since our survival depended on it. But it doesn’t hold good in today’s increasingly judgmental world where words are often louder than actions.)
Note: This doesn’t mean you should be oblivious to criticism and external opinions. It just means you should realize that people always have their opinions. Opinions are a dime a dozen; know which opinions to take seriously and which to ignore.
Remarkably, when someone appreciates or loves us in the way we deserve to be loved, the inner critic in us doesn’t turn up often to acknowledge our value.
What’s the answer to not being appreciated by everyone
If you think about it, even Jesus Christ wasn’t validated by everyone. It is no secret that many people disliked (and I daresay hated) him. He wasn’t loved, adored, or respected by a lot of people. If Jesus, arguably one of the most influential people in the history of humankind, wasn’t in everyone’s good books, who are you?!
Sure, there will always be this voice in your head (a by-product of your archaic memory), telling you to be very cautious of every critical thing someone says. It also encourages you to take every opinion personally. But as the great philosopher Marcus Aurelius said, “Everything we hear is an opinion, not a fact. Everything we see is a perspective, not the truth.” Taking this into account, here are three things always to be aware of –
Three cardinal things to remember:
1) You will NOT be appreciated/loved by everyone.
2) You CANNOT impress everyone.
3) You will NOT receive validation from everyone.
Conclusion
All said and done; it is crucial to remember that there is a difference between “being comfortable in your own skin” and “being irresponsible in taking care of yourself.” Ask yourself whether there are areas in your life you could improve on. There definitely will be because no one is perfect. And if you ARE doing your best to work on improving in those areas (even if you are doing 50% of your best,) you validate yourself. You don’t need somebody else’s validation.
Make it a priority to live a life where you can validate yourself first. And then find and spend time with people who bring you happiness and make you want to be the best version of yourself.
All this is easier said than done, but with conscious practice, we can learn to rise beyond what others think of us. This will help us make wiser decisions and establish our unique identities.
The value we place on ourselves is infinitely more important than the value someone else puts on us. The key is to realize that not being validated/liked by everyone is not necessarily your fault. It’s just that everyone has a different past, a different upbringing, and a different way of looking at things.
I’ll leave you with a question that will shed some light on how you think about others’ perception of you. “Would you rather thoroughly impress five people or mildly impress a thousand?” (Is this a trick question? I don’t know, that’s for you to decide and answer. Let us know in the comments or hit me up at reachthetaciturn@gmail.com. If you found what you read useful, consider subscribing for free to get regular updates.)
Until next time, The Taciturn.
