A tale of two observations
Observation 1: A person gets down on one knee and pulls out a diamond ring. There is an undeniable glow in their partner’s eye in anticipation of what will come. “You are not only my best friend but also the love of my life. I want to make you mine because I love you and I’ll love you until I die. And if there is a life after that, I’ll love you then too. You are mine and I am yours; whatever may arise, we will face it together,” the person says before popping the big question – “Will you marry me?” The partner screams “Yes” while a wide spectrum of emotions burst through in a surprisingly short time. The people around cheer and “aww” since they’ve witnessed a “celebration of love.”
And they are engaged. A wedding date is set, and friends and family are invited to bless the couple. During the wedding, the couple is asked – “Do you take this person to be your lawfully wedded partner; to live together in matrimony, to love them, comfort them, honor and keep them, in sickness and in health, in sorrow and in joy, to have and to hold, from this day forward, as long as you both shall live. Till death do you part.” Both of them agree. The officiant declares them married.
Observation 2:
Looking at Observations 1 and 2 together, clearly, something’s not adding up. You have to admit there is something curious going on here. When the couple dated, everything was way better; when they got engaged and wed, lots of nice stuff was said and done. They pledged wholeheartedly to spend the rest of their life with each other. Yet, a statistically significant portion of all marriages ends up in divorce.
Additionally, there are couples who are not divorced but live separately. Though this is not as extreme as a divorce, it indicates an underlying situation nevertheless. So what’s happening here?
The mirage of love and its inadequacy
I believe the following are two significant issues that explain Observation 2:
1.) Abuse/misuse of the idea of love.
“I was jealous; therefore I loved.”
Jack London, The Sea Wolf .
The word love is arguably the most misused in the English language. Many mistake attraction, selfishness, jealousy, possessiveness, etc., for love. But this couldn’t be more faulty! To better illustrate this, here is a beautiful excerpt on jealousy and love –
Many people glamourize jealousy by saying it’s a sign of love. It’s not! It’s a sign of insecurity and reflective of seeing your partner as an object to be possessed. It’s a negative emotion stemming from both desire and insecurity, but not love.
Article
Jealousy and possessiveness are not safe cocoons. It’s a prison where the prisoner has to behave as per the rules and insecurities of the jailor or be punished for it. There is not enough space or regard for trust, individuality or personal growth.”
Jealously is a human emotion, and I understand that sometimes people can’t help it, but it is certainly not something one should mistake for love. Look around and you’ll find people for whom this is true. You’d be surprised at how often humans want to select a partner for the world than for themselves.
2.) Love isn’t enough to make a successful marriage
You don’t have to have the same opinions/answers for all these. However, you should be mutually aware of your perspectives before going further. Compatibility is crucial for a marriage; therefore, it’s unfortunate that some couples don’t talk about these until after they get married.
Going beyond the illusion
For those who love with the heart and soul there is no such thing as separation. You are the soul of the soul of the universe, and your name is love.
Rumi.
Love is one of the most beautiful “things” in the world. But unfortunately, in this quest, I feel some people go after something that’s only an illusion of love. Like a mirage in the desert, even dust appears to be water when you want love so badly.
So what’s a better way to approach love and relationships? In my opinion, there are three things to keep in mind.
First, be independent (this facilitates interdependence.) Where ever there is unhealthy dependence, there cannot be love because dependence breeds fear. And where there is fear, there cannot be, by definition, unconditional love. As Will Smith once said, “She should be happy, and I should be happy individually. Then we come together and share our happiness. Giving someone a responsibility to make you happy when you can’t do it for yourself is selfish.”
Second, your partner is going to walk with YOU. Select them for YOURSELF and not to show the world or to prove something to someone. Doing so will save both of you time and energy.
Third, love is necessary for marriage but not sufficient. For a healthy marriage, mutual respect is fundamental. For this, you need to know the other person’s opinion/stand on many important aspects.
And with that, we reach the end of this article. I’ll leave you with my favorite verse on love. Until next time, The Taciturn.
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